To The Baby I Won't Be Holding in March

To The Baby I Won’t Be Holding in March-


My dear, baby, first, I want to start by telling you just how much I love you.  From the moment I first learned you were growing inside my body, I loved you.  I looked forward to the day we would meet.  I imagined what your little smile would look like.  I dreamed of your giggle in our home.  Although I was nervous about what being a mom would be like, I wanted you.  For so long, I feared I would never marry and have children and seeing the word “pregnant” was my dream come true.


I know I whined and complained about the changes my body was going through.  I didn’t like the nausea.  I was tired of being tired.  And those pregnancy hormones, they were ROUGH.  And although I didn’t like those things, you would make them all worth it.


Unfortunately, it turns out you got your sense of direction from me instead of your dad.  Some how, you got all mixed up and ended up planting yourself and growing in a dangerous place.  If we continued to let you grow, it would’ve ended up killing me, and then, killing you.


Please know baby, that getting the shots to end your life was one of the H-A-R-D-E-S-T things I’ve had to do.  I wanted you.  Oh, how I wanted to you.   If there was anyway we could have preserved your life, we would have.  But alas, we couldn’t.   


The past four weeks have been torture as my body experienced the pain from your life ending.  With each stabbing pain, I was reminded that you were here, but were working on leaving.  How I wish you didn’t have to go.


So, dear baby, here is my request.  Please, go back to Heaven.   I know there are people who love you, and will take care of you.   You’re not safe here.  Not now.  But, please, don’t get too comfortable in Heaven.  And please, don’t stay.  My body and heart need some time to heal; but if you can give me a little time, I’ll be ready for you.  And this time, let’s hope you’ll have your dad’s sense of direction.


All my love,

Mom

2017: The Year of Miracles

     With the welcoming of 2018, it seems we can’t help but reflect on the past year.  While 2017 was a hard year for many people, for me it will always be a very sweet year.  It’s the year I prayed and fasted and hoped for miracles.  It’s the year that I saw these miracles come to pass.

     September 2^nd started like any other Saturday in early September.  I was bummed they would be closing the pool at my apartment complex.  I was mourning the loss of the lazy summer days.  I had decided to spend the day with my sister Camille, enjoying one last taste of summer.  While we were preparing to hit the pool for the last day of the season, I received a frantic phone call from a dear friend.  She explained to me that her 19 year-old son, had collapsed at a water park.  He had been rushed to the hospital, but things weren’t looking good.  My friend isn’t very religious, but knew I am and asked that I pray for her son.  I agreed to do so, and then, remembering we had talked about priesthood blessings in the past; I asked if she wanted her son to have a blessing, and she said yes.  So, within a matter of minutes I was changing out of my swim attire, and was headed to the hospital where my dad and brother had agreed to meet me.

     Upon arriving at the hospital, I learned just how dire the situation was.  My friend’s sweet boy had experienced a cardiac arrest, and they estimated he had been without oxygen for 10 minutes.  He was currently on life support and unresponsive.  When I heard this news, my heart sank.  I knew this boy’s odds of ever leaving the hospital, less than 1 percent.  I wasn’t prepared to watch my friend bury her son.

     After what seemed like eternity, we were given clearance to see my friend’s boy.  There a young kid was lying, surrounded by so many tubes and wires.  I knew I had come to watch sometime die.  At that point, my dad and brother gave this boy a priesthood blessing.  In the blessing, the boy was promised he would survive and this experience would be a witness of God’s miracles.  Hearing these words should have brought peace, but they only brought frustration.  I had been trained about situations like these.  This boy would die.  My friend would be devastated.  It was a hard reality.  So, while my dad spoke sweet words of comfort, my heart sank.    I hoped that my friend wasn’t hearing the blessing through all the chaos of nurses running around and alarms sounding.  How would I ever explain the death of her son, after the words that were spoken in the priesthood blessing?

     After my friend’s boy received this blessing, I reached out to those who knew my friend and asked for their fasting and prayers.  By the next day, dozens of people were fasting and praying on behalf of my dear friend and her son.

     The next few days were the most difficult.  I was constantly calling and texting my friend and visited the hospital daily.  And then, a miracle occurred.  My friend’s son woke up.  And then, he began talking.  Soon he was walking.  And about a week after he entered the hospital, this sweet boy went home.  

     This sweet boy’s recovery was nothing short of a miracle.  I had always considered myself religious.  I always believed I had faith and hope.  But in this situation, my secular training blinded my belief in miracles.  I underestimated the power of God and of the priesthood.  And yet, once again, his promises came through.  Even in the middle of what appeared to be the most dire circumstances.

     This experience with my friend will always be a sweet reminder to me of the power of God’s promises.  This will always be a miracle I will always hold close to my heart.  And still, it was not the only miracle I experienced in 2017.

     You see, earlier in the year, I had met someone, named Scott, who seemed to be a very nice guy.  I enjoyed talking with him and we kept in contact despite his busy work schedule.  But then, in early August, he just kinda disappeared after promising to let me know he had made it home safely after yet another business trip.  And so, I wrote him off.  I figured he was too busy playing the dating field and I wasn’t going to waste my time or energy on him.  And, by late August, I had almost completely forgotten about him.

     About the time I’d written Scott off forever, my mom, sisters, and I were discussing our dating lives and lack of prospects.  We were all frustrated about the lack of good, righteous men.  We understood we weren’t getting any younger and worried that we may never find a good guy to marry.  And so, it was suggested that we “Fast for Men” on the next fast Sunday.

     Unfortunately, my friend’s son collapsed the day before “Man Fast” was to occur and so I called my mom and sisters and explained I wasn’t going to participate in “Man Fast” because I had other important things to fast for.  They were very understanding, and promised they would include me in their fasts.

     I find it so sweet, that while I was fasting for my friend’s dear son, and my mom and sisters were fasting for us to find good, righteous men; that Scott sent me a text.   Initially, I was going to just delete it, figuring he was just playing the field.  But then, I remembered it was “Man Fast” I just didn’t feel right ignoring a guy when my mom and sisters were fasting and praying for men to come into our lives.  And so, I responded.  And I explained the situation with my friend’s son.  And I asked him to please pray for my friend and her son, because we really needed a miracle.

     Soon, Scott was calling every day to check on the progress of my friend’s son.  And less than a week later, we were going out on another date.  Within a couple of weeks we were exclusive, spending all of our free time together.  And now, we are engaged.  On June 9^th, I will be sealed to Scott Reichmann in the Salt Lake Temple for time and all eternity and I couldn’t be more excited or grateful for him and the blessing he is in my life.  I don’t think our meeting or our reconnecting during “Man Fast” was coincidental.  I am so grateful for the miraculous way he was brought into my life.

    Truly, 2017 has been a very sweet year for me.  It was a year I was reminded of the power of God’s miracles.  I was reminded that even when things seem hopeless, there is hope.  God is in control, and he is guiding our lives more than we’ll ever know.  How grateful I will always be for this year, the year I saw just how aware God is of our lives, the year I saw miracles.

Kindness is All that Matters

     A couple of months ago, I was on the verge of a breakdown.  I was adjusting to my new and exciting life.  I had worked for YEARS for my current position.  I had dreamt of the day when I would go by Dr. Gregory, have my very own patients to manage, would have professor responsibilities with the college, have my name listed in the hospital directory by the elevator, mentor students, and answer after-hour calls for the clinic, because I was just THAT important.

     So imagine my surprise, when I mostly just felt exhausted working at my dream job.  While my job had many great perks, the clinic where I practice was undergoing many changes.  Namely, our manager stepped up to take a job in corporate and we were left incredibly short-staffed.    As a result, I was working ridiculously long hours, was expected to work on projects that I just didn’t have the time for, and was taking call more often than anticipated.  About the time I was starting to feel overwhelmed, my counterpart announced that she was resigning her position in the clinic and at the college, so she could take a job closer to home.  While I respected her decision to move closer to her family, I was devastated! I was barely keeping my head above water; and with her move, I would be given even greater responsibility.  Essentially, our clinic, which was established to provide care for patients by three providers, would now have only one.   As our transition from two to one provider occurred, I watched as my nights and weekends disappeared as I was the ONLY person taking call.  And during my “time off”   at home, I was busy generating reports, grading papers, and responding to e-mails because the 10-12 hours I spent in the clinic each day,  were solely spent taking care of patients;  and I had to get all of my other responsibilities done on my own time.

    At this time of exhaustion and anxiety, I and was ready to throw in the towel.  I couldn’t do it all!   I had felt SO good about this job.  Everything had just fallen into place for me to take my position.  I had been SO excited about this incredible opportunity to work as a clinician and professor.  And now, I was just tired, and to be honest, cranky.  About this time I began to pray with a bit of resentment in my tone.  “Why did you send me here?  Why did I feel so good about taking this job?  Why hadn’t I been warned about how bad things would get?  I’m so tired and can’t do everything THEY want me to.  What do you expect me to do?”  One night, while I was again angrily saying my prayers, the answer hit me, “I need you here.   Don’t worry about everything on your to-do list.  Worry about serving.  Worry about loving.  Kindness is the only thing that matters.”

      For the next few days, “Kindness is all that matters” continued to echo throughout my heart and head.  And so, I changed my approach.  While I still did my best and ran reports and responded to e-mails and worked long hours; checking things off my check list was no longer my focus.  I was more worried about being a mentor and cheerleader for my students, an advocate and nurturer to my patients, and a confident and friend to my colleagues.    When my focus changed from getting things done to kindness, I experienced a reduction in my stress level, found satisfaction in my job, and remembered why this had been my dream job!

     And although being happier has been a huge perk, I have seen a small glimpse of why kindness really matters.  You see, this week, as I consulted on a patient that had already been assessed by a student, I noticed that she seemed a bit down and not quite herself.  Rather than just focusing on her anticoagulation and sending her on her way, I stopped.  I sat down.  I asked how she was doing, and if everything was okay.  At that point, she burst into tears and admitted she was suffering from depression and anxiety and was planning on ending her life that very afternoon.  I cried with her.  I arranged for her to get help.  And after our visit was over and she was in a safe place, where she couldn’t harm herself, those same words came back to me again, “Kindness is all that matters” and it turns out, it really is.

An Unexpected Answer

     As most of you already know, I recently completed a residency in Wyoming (woot, woot) and following the completion, accepted my dream job back home in Utah.  (Hooray!).  I absolutely LOVE my job.  I love working with both patients and students, but the demands of work have been great.  Between seeing patients in the clinic and managing my teaching responsibilities at the University, I have averaged 50-60 hours of work each week.  Not wanting my entire life to be work…. I’ve tried to squeeze as much into my free time, and as a result, my life has become overly scheduled.

     Spending such long days always on the go has taken its toll, and a couple of weeks ago I hit my breaking point!  Work had been exceptionally demanding.  I’d just been given another calling (institute council… yeah buddy) in addition to the busy calling I already held in my ward, and I was trying to make time for a social life too.  Trying to be the best pharmacist, compassionate service committee member, professor,  sister, visiting teacher, daughter, institute council member, date , weekly temple attender, and friend had taken its toll as there was more on my plate than I had room for and I wasn’t ready (or willing) to give anything up.  So, after another long week, I prayed to my Heavenly Father.  I explained to him that I was feeling extremely stretched.  I wanted to be my best.  I wanted to serve Him.  But the demands I was feeling were just too much.  I asked for Him to let me know He was aware of me and my silly struggle and begged for His help in accomplishing everything on my to-do list.

     Just as I finished my prayer, my phone went off.  It was a friend who would be moving the next day and needed help.  Knowing that I drive an SUV and have a bit more room in my car, she asked if I would be willing to help.  I couldn’t believe it!  I just ended a prayer telling my Heavenly Father how overwhelmed I felt, and here I was asking to give more.  My Saturday was already fully scheduled, I was already overwhelmed, this couldn’t possibly be the answer to my prayer.  I was baffled, but decided I would serve, trusting that by serving my friend, Heavenly Father would somehow allow for me to have more time in my day and I would be blessed.

     So, I moved my friend.  I figured it wouldn’t be that big of a deal as she didn’t have much to move and wasn’t moving far.  I could spare an hour.  Heavenly Father KNEW how busy I was and would help things go quickly and smoothly, so I could get on with my day.  I couldn’t have been more wrong!

     In the five minutes it took to move a piece of furniture from my open vehicle into her new home, someone who had been watching us, took the opportunity to go to my open car and rummage through things.  He managed to find my purse hiding under my front seat and we happened to see him running away from my car with my purse in hand, just as we were coming back outside to move the next piece of furniture.

     I screamed and began chasing him only to follow him around the corner where he jumped into a truck and began driving off.  I was devastated!  My purse contained my wallet complete with my driver’s license, credit cards, and social security card (which I had used only the day before when I went to talk to HR and had forgotten to remove).  My day had gone from crazy to worse and I was angry because I was supposed to be blessed for serving.

     After calling the police and my credit card company to cancel my account, I sat on my friend’s lawn waiting for the police to arrive, angry and silently questioning why this was happening to me.  I was already at my wit’s end and then this had happened.

     When the police arrived, they explained another gentleman who had been driving by witnessed the whole thing and followed the speeding truck long enough to get a license plate number; however, the owner of the vehicle did not match the description of the person I’d seen, and so they weren’t sure how good the license plate lead would be.  I was hopeful that things would work out, but still knew that there was a good likelihood my nightmare wasn’t ending anytime soon.

     After the police left, and I finished moving my friend into her new place, I began my drive home.  My head still swimming from the events that had occurred as I made a mental list of all of the places I would need to call to begin cleaning up the latest mess.  I was still angry that this had happened and thought God was playing a cruel joke… didn’t He hear my prayer?  Didn’t He know how stressed I was?  I was already at my wit’s end and then THIS had to happen.

     At this point, my phone began going off, and as I answered my brother explained that someone was at my house looking for me.  I was only a couple of minutes away and drove quickly to find out who it was and what was going on.  As I walked into my house, a man; dressed in bike shorts and a biking jersey, with a race number fixed to his shirt, handed me my purse which had been stolen not even 2 hours prior.  I was shocked!  He explained he had been biking in a race that day and during the race happened to notice my purse on the side of the road.  He felt prompted to pick it up and look inside, and after seeing both my ID and temple recommend had a strong impression that I was desperately looking for these items.  So, after he finished his ride… he biked over to the address listed on my license.  As I went through my purse, everything was still inside, exactly where it had been!  Nothing was missing and it appeared undisturbed, including my social security card which I had tucked deeply inside my wallet to keep safe and hidden.

     After thanking this kind gentleman and offering him a ride home or a reward (which he wouldn’t accept), I called the police to let them know my purse had been found, miles from where it had been stolen.  They were shocked everything was still intact and explained how rare it was for something like this to happen.

     Suddenly, I felt incredibly selfish and guilty for being so angry.  I had been blessed for serving and Heavenly Father was aware of me!  At the exact moment that my purse had been stolen someone else just happened to be around and decided to follow the thief long enough to get a license plate number.  The thief got nervous from being followed and decided to get rid of my purse and just happened to throw it out of a window on a road where a bike race occurred.  An honest person who was participating in the race just happened to notice the purse and felt prompted to pick it up and find me.  For something so crappy to happen, things had sure been smoothed out quickly.

     My stolen purse adventure really had been an answer to my prayers.  Everything had worked out so perfectly and was a reminder that Heavenly Father was VERY aware of me and my circumstances.  He KNEW I felt stretched.  He allowed for a bad thing to happen but He also allowed for things to work out and in doing so reminded me that although I felt overwhelmed and like things were out of control, He was in full control.  How grateful I am to have gone through this experience.  For it allowed me to see Him orchestrating even the smallest details of my life.  He is really there.  He really is listening.  And being reminded of this was simply beautiful. 

Twenty-Six Life Lessons

It’s hard to believe I turn 26 this month.  Twenty-six!!!  As in, closer to thirty than I am twenty.  Crazy!!!  So, in honor of twenty-six years on earth I give you twenty-six life lessons I’ve learned:

1.      Defining your worth by numbers (whether salary, GPA, weight, number of Facebook friends, etc.) will never make you happy. 

2.      A smile goes a long ways.

3.      Always assume others have the best intentions.

4.      Friends come and go but your family is always your family.

5.      Growth requires pain.

6.      The way to put meaning in your life is to serve others.

7.      Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.

8.      Time heals all wounds.  Chocolate helps.

9.      The destination is only a tiny sliver of the journey.

10.   Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

11.  The most important things in life are relationships.

12.  The minute you think you know it all, you'll be reminded you don't.

13.  If fear is the primary motivator behind a decision you've made, you've made the wrong decision.

14.  Never, under any circumstance, ask "What else could go wrong?"

15.  If you have hard feelings towards someone, serve them. It will change your heart.

16.  Laughter is the best medicine.

17.  You're only as lonely as you allow yourself to be.

18.  One's opinion doesn't make it fact.

19.  You are what you do, not what you say you'll do.

20.  You're not the only person struggling.

21.  Hard work pays off.

22.  Life is too short for cheap toilet paper.

23.  Never give with the expectation of receiving.

24.  Write Thank-You Notes often.

25.  Invest in yourself.  If you don't, who will?

26.  How you see others says more about you than about them.