A couple of months ago, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was adjusting to my new and exciting
life. I had worked for YEARS for my
current position. I had dreamt of the
day when I would go by Dr. Gregory, have my very own patients to manage, would
have professor responsibilities with the college, have my name listed in the
hospital directory by the elevator, mentor students, and answer after-hour
calls for the clinic, because I was just THAT important.
So imagine my
surprise, when I mostly just felt exhausted working at my dream job. While my job had many great perks, the clinic
where I practice was undergoing many changes.
Namely, our manager stepped up to take a job in corporate and we were
left incredibly short-staffed. As a
result, I was working ridiculously long hours, was expected to work on projects
that I just didn’t have the time for, and was taking call more often than
anticipated. About the time I was
starting to feel overwhelmed, my counterpart announced that she was resigning
her position in the clinic and at the college, so she could take a job closer
to home. While I respected her decision
to move closer to her family, I was devastated! I was barely keeping my head
above water; and with her move, I would be given even greater
responsibility. Essentially, our clinic,
which was established to provide care for patients by three providers, would
now have only one. As our transition
from two to one provider occurred, I watched as my nights and weekends
disappeared as I was the ONLY person taking call. And during my “time off” at
home, I was busy generating reports, grading papers, and responding to e-mails
because the 10-12 hours I spent in the clinic each day, were solely spent taking care of
patients; and I had to get all of my
other responsibilities done on my own time.
At this time of exhaustion
and anxiety, I and was ready to throw in the towel. I couldn’t do it all! I had felt SO good about this job. Everything had just fallen into place for me
to take my position. I had been SO
excited about this incredible opportunity to work as a clinician and
professor. And now, I was just tired,
and to be honest, cranky. About this
time I began to pray with a bit of resentment in my tone. “Why did you send me here? Why did I feel so good about taking this
job? Why hadn’t I been warned about how
bad things would get? I’m so tired and
can’t do everything THEY want me to.
What do you expect me to do?” One
night, while I was again angrily saying my prayers, the answer hit me, “I need
you here. Don’t worry about everything
on your to-do list. Worry about
serving. Worry about loving. Kindness is the only thing that matters.”
For the next few
days, “Kindness is all that matters” continued to echo throughout my heart and
head. And so, I changed my
approach. While I still did my best and
ran reports and responded to e-mails and worked long hours; checking things off
my check list was no longer my focus. I
was more worried about being a mentor and cheerleader for my students, an
advocate and nurturer to my patients, and a confident and friend to my
colleagues. When my focus changed from
getting things done to kindness, I experienced a reduction in my stress level,
found satisfaction in my job, and remembered why this had been my dream job!
And although
being happier has been a huge perk, I have seen a small glimpse of why kindness
really matters. You see, this week, as I
consulted on a patient that had already been assessed by a student, I noticed
that she seemed a bit down and not quite herself. Rather than just focusing on her anticoagulation
and sending her on her way, I stopped. I
sat down. I asked how she was doing, and
if everything was okay. At that point,
she burst into tears and admitted she was suffering from depression and anxiety
and was planning on ending her life that very afternoon. I cried with her. I arranged for her to get help. And after our visit was over and she was in a
safe place, where she couldn’t harm herself, those same words came back to me
again, “Kindness is all that matters” and it turns out, it really is.
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