To The Baby I Won't Be Holding in March

To The Baby I Won’t Be Holding in March-


My dear, baby, first, I want to start by telling you just how much I love you.  From the moment I first learned you were growing inside my body, I loved you.  I looked forward to the day we would meet.  I imagined what your little smile would look like.  I dreamed of your giggle in our home.  Although I was nervous about what being a mom would be like, I wanted you.  For so long, I feared I would never marry and have children and seeing the word “pregnant” was my dream come true.


I know I whined and complained about the changes my body was going through.  I didn’t like the nausea.  I was tired of being tired.  And those pregnancy hormones, they were ROUGH.  And although I didn’t like those things, you would make them all worth it.


Unfortunately, it turns out you got your sense of direction from me instead of your dad.  Some how, you got all mixed up and ended up planting yourself and growing in a dangerous place.  If we continued to let you grow, it would’ve ended up killing me, and then, killing you.


Please know baby, that getting the shots to end your life was one of the H-A-R-D-E-S-T things I’ve had to do.  I wanted you.  Oh, how I wanted to you.   If there was anyway we could have preserved your life, we would have.  But alas, we couldn’t.   


The past four weeks have been torture as my body experienced the pain from your life ending.  With each stabbing pain, I was reminded that you were here, but were working on leaving.  How I wish you didn’t have to go.


So, dear baby, here is my request.  Please, go back to Heaven.   I know there are people who love you, and will take care of you.   You’re not safe here.  Not now.  But, please, don’t get too comfortable in Heaven.  And please, don’t stay.  My body and heart need some time to heal; but if you can give me a little time, I’ll be ready for you.  And this time, let’s hope you’ll have your dad’s sense of direction.


All my love,

Mom