A Big Fear

     Well, I will begin my trek back to Utah in 23 days!  That’s it.  It’s hard to believe the year is already over.  As I’ve started saying good-bye, disassembling my furniture (err…. Futon), and packing my boxes I’ve been hit with a pang of sadness.  Even though I really miss Utah and want to go back, even though I have my dream job just waiting for me, and even though I’ve had a nice reassurance that the Salt Lake Valley is indeed where I am supposed to be going,  preparing to move has brought with it a pang of sadness.

     I’ve fought back tears as I’ve referred patients on to a new provider, held on to hugs a little longer than I should, and have had some crazy “allergies” as I’ve packed boxes.  As I’ve reflected on these seemingly silly feelings it hit me pretty hard that one of the emotions causing my sadness is fear.  I’m afraid of going back to the girl I was.

     Since moving to Casper, I have found myself.  I am quirky.  I laugh at things almost no one else finds funny.  I like junk food WAY more than I should.  I like singing and dancing when no one else is around.  I’m not a fantastic housekeeper.  I’m not great at going to the gym (well,  unless it’s time for Full House to come on or there’s a good football game playing). I have made my career a bigger priority than it needs to be.  I am not a fan of the cold or snow or winter.  I can’t fall asleep in silence.  I am painfully stubborn.  I have a really hard time telling people no.  I struggle cooking for one.   I have built a big part of my identity on my accomplishments.  I worry too much. 

    

     But as much as I’ve discovered my quirks, I’ve also discovered what being a daughter of God really means.  I have infinite worth, not because of the letters after my name or the number of dates landed, but because of WHOSE I am.  I have a capacity to love, to lift, to serve.  And building relationships with those I’m loving, lifting, and serving means so much more than studying, gaining more knowledge, and advancing.

     Yes, my year in Casper has changed my priorities.  While I still want to find success and be the best pharmacist/professor that I can, that goal pales in comparison of my desire to be the best human being I can be.   The people and relationships in my life matter SO MUCH more than the tasks I need to accomplish.   And it is my greatest fear that by moving back to Utah I’ll slip into old habits, and forget the lessons I have learned and loose the person I've spent the past year becoming.